The Fukuchou's Revenge
by charmed-sword
Summary: After that haiku book incident, Hijikata said he would get Souji back! But how? And did he take it too far? Dun dun dun.


_Disclaimer: Peacemaker Kurogane belongs to lovely talented people who are not me._

_Note: I was just thinking about Sanosuke having tried to kill himself, and then wondered if Souji ever felt suicidal. And then... I wondered, what would make him try to kill himself. And then...my weird brain came up with this. Lol. I couldn't help myself._

_--------_

**Hijikata's Revenge**

It was evening when Souji decided to apologise.

The Fukuchou had not appeared for dinner, and his First Unit Captain was wondering if perhaps he had taken the joke a little too far this time. As he leaned against the pig pen, looking up at the dark sky and waiting for Saizou to show up, there was no helping the grin that spread over his face as he tapped the hakiu book resting on his lap.

If he _had _taken it too far, then what would the consequences be? He knew Hijikata wouldn't punish him the same way he would Tetsu or someone else, such as make him go without meals for a day, or give him guard duty for a night. After all, Hijikata was annoying enough to make sure he ate well, slept well, and regularly drank that disgusting medicine he had unfortunately taken to mixing for him.

"Hmmm, what would he do?" Souji wondered aloud.

The worst he could imagine was that Hijikata would forbid him any candy for a week. This thought didn't cause any anxiety--all he had to do was wander up to Kondou and look as pitiful as possible, and the Commmander would immediately give in and slip him some coins.

Again, Souji scanned the yard for his pet pig. He found it odd that Saizou hadn't come back to the pen yet, especially as Souji had made it his duty to personally 'tuck him into bed'. It didn't alarm him though, Saizou did have a habit of forgetting the time, he reminded himself as he stood up ad stretched.

Time to apologise to Demon-san, he thought with an exaggerated sigh as he tucked the haiku book into his obi, and set off towards said demon's room.

--------

After putting on a suitable morose expression, Souji knocked on the shoji screen, then holding his breath, waited.

If Hijikata sounded too mad to reason with, well then he would just go to Kondou's room until he was sure the Fukuchou was asleep and not available to scold him. Hijikata was usually more patient in the mornings, experience had informed him.

A few seconds later, a surprisingly calm voice answered.

"Come in."

Souji paused, feeling suspicious. The last time he had run off with Hijikata's poetry book, the man had been seething with anger. He had slid open the screen, yelled a few choice words at him, grabbed his haiku book, then violently slid it shut again.

Souji had tried very hard not to laugh as he had made his way back to his room, and had succeeded in making Hijikata think that he would never attempt such a sinful crime again. The following morning however, he simply hadn't been able to resist commenting, that perhaps for Hijikata, it was a sin to write poetry. (Barely escaping with his head intact.)

"Are you going to stand out there all night?"

Feeling less in control of the situation than before, Souji reluctantly slid open the screen, closing it behind him, and stepping onto the tatami.

Surprised, he watched the Fukuchou put down his bowl of rice, and gracefully pick up a slice of meat with his chopsticks. Souji hadn't expected him to be having dinner. Hijikata didn't usually invite people in when he was eating in his room.

"Hijikata-san, I er..."

Souji looked for any tell tale signs of anger, such as trembling, and twitching eyes, but there were none.

"...have something I wish to say."

"Go on," said Hijikata, giving him a smile that Souji found very creepy.

He shifted uncomfortably as the Fukuchou continued savouring his meat in a way that was unlike how he usually ate. With more zest, for example. The last time Souji had seen him enjoy his meal so much was back at the Sheikan dojo when he had been ten, and Hijikata had just challenged one of his childhood enemies to a duel, and won.

"I apologise for taking your haiku book."

Souji kneeled, placing his hands in front of him, and touching his forehead to the tatami in a deep bow that he hoped would suffice. "Please forgive my weakness."

Hijikata waved his hand, looking uncharacteristically composed. "You're forgiven. Now give me my book back, and we shall never speak of it again."

Souji raised his head, looking confused. "I'm forgiven?" _Just like that?_

Hijikata downed a cup of sake, looking very smug. "I said it, didn't I? Now give me my book and leave."

After chewing another piece of meat, Hijikata looked up to see that the book had been placed on his desk, but Souji was not gone, just as he expected. Instead he was now sitting in front of him, peering into his face as though studying something alien. Hijikata swallowed his triumph and made his face as expressionless as possible, when Souji looked down at his meal.

"You know," he began, deciding to make a stab at conversation and see if all was really well between them, "We had miso soup and rice for dinner. But we didn't have any meat..."

He looked hard at the delicate pink slices again, and with an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, looked up again. "Did you ask for meat?"

"It's obvious," answered Hijikata, calmly sipping at his sake.

"What is it?"

"Pork."

Hijikata smirked at the hitch in Souji's breath.

"Pork?" the Captain repeated weakly. "But you promised none of the Shinsengumi are allowed pork!"

"And _you_ promised you wouldn't touch my book."

"But..." Souji began desperately, "I didn't do it to spite you! I just wanted to cheer Tetsu-kun up!"

"And _I_ just want to enjoy pork."

Souji stared in disbelief as Hijikata popped another slice into his mouth. "Mmmm it's delicious. You should try some Souji."

"That could be one of my friends!"

But he had counted everyone in the pig pen, and he was the only one who knew exactly how many pigs there were. He didn't trust any of the Shinsengumi members, and that's why he kept count. But he never thought that Hijikata would be the one to betray his trust! No, he couldn't have. It wasn't like him at all. For a moment, he wondered if Hijikata was being possessed by some real coldhearted demon. He shook his head. "I counted the pigs. You're just joking with me."

"Did you now? And you're absolutely certain none are missing?" Hijikata gave him a superior smile.

Souji's eyes slowly widened as the full implication of these words sunk in. _No---he wouldn't---there's no way----_"Stop teasing me Hijikata-san. It's not funny. I told you I'm sorry."

"I'm not teasing. I had your pig cooked. That's all there is to it." said the Vice Commander matter-of-factly.

Souji's fingers clenched in his lap. He gaped at Hijikata. "_My_ pig? You don't mean..." He looked like he was going to cry. "You don't mean Saizou do you?" Something inside him was still saying that Hijikata couldn't possibly be so horrid to him, but Souji had counted the pigs, and no one else had been missing...and Saizou would have found him by now...he didn't like to worry him...

"Yes, that one you ridiculously give a name. He really was the healthiest looking of them all. You did a good job, fattening him up for me."

"No..." Souji's voice trembled. "No, you can't have, Ayu-nii, she would never---"

"Ah, but she's under _my_ orders, is she not? She wouldn't refuse." Another superior smile.

Souji felt sick to his stomach as he watched Hijikata chew on the last piece of meat. He stood up shakily, not wanting to embarrass himself by crying in front of him, and went to slide open the screen and get out of the room before he vomited up his own dinner.

He didn't know what he would do, but going back to the pig pen and sharing his grief with Saizou's brothers and sisters seemed less traumatising than sitting with his murderer, whom only a few minutes before, he had counted as his own brother.

"That's very rude, Souji. Perhaps you've forgotten who I am?"

Souji turned around slowly, unable to believe this was happening. "I- I wish to take my leave, sir, " he whispered in a daze.

Hijikata waved a hand. "You're dismissed."

---------

Kondou looked up with a disapproving expression on his face as Hijikata slid open the screen to his room, and sat down opposite from him with a sigh. The older man set down the letter he had been reading, and leaning back, shook his head at his friend. "Tsk Tsk Tsk...you really are a cruel one Toshi. The punk in you, still there, eh?"

Hijikata puffed away at his pipe, saying nothing. He didn't need to tell Kondou how bad he felt, for even if he denied it, the Commander would know anyway. They had known each other for a long time, and Kondou would always be that irritating person who always knew what he was thinking.

"I remember telling you Souji-kun is _very_ attached to that pig."

His Vice Commander exhaled smoke. "And _I'm _very attached to my book. He made a fool of me today. He had to know I was going to get my revenge." He held his head high. "And I personally think it was a good one."

"Making him cry?"

Trust Isami to state the obvious and make me feel bad, Hijikata thought as he shifted irritably. "He's a grown man, he's only embarrassing himself." he said nonchalently. "I don't feel guilty at all. It's just a goddam pig. They're made for eating!"

Kondou had on an expression of mock thoughtfulness.

"Ah, so _that's_ why you said that Shinsengumi members will be punished by seppuku if they eat pork. And that's why you're going to apologise now, hmm?"

Hijikata looked like he was going to protest, but shrugged instead.

"And you should apologise. This is the meanest thing you've ever done to him. Apart from that time when you broke his arm."

Hijikata harrumphed. "And the brat made me worried as hell. I didn't sleep a wink that night."

"And you won't tonight either. Unless you go and find him." Kondou gave him a tight smile, then went back to his letter. "If you don't, he'll either kill himself out in the cold tonight, or he'll kill our men at practise tomorrow. And at a time like this, we can't afford losing that many men."

Hijikata looked surprised. "You mean he's left?"

-------

Souji seemed unaware of the unagreeable weather as he blankly walked towards the nearby river, which was his favourite spot to sit with Saizou. His beloved pig would curl up on his lap while Souji would stroke his head and sing him songs, nestled under the cherry blossom trees.

Sure, it wasn't exactly a hidden place, once or twice the Comedian trio had ambled over and laughed at him, shouting things like, 'You really need to find yourself a girl!" or "Any moment now, they'll be announcing their engagement!" until Hijikata found out and forbade them from going to Shimbara for a week.

The thought of Hijikata only heightened his misery. He couldn't believe the person he had hero worshipped as a child, admired as a teen, and loved like a brother, would murder his pet and friend. And then eat his remains in front of him.

So, his Captain had stolen his book and embarrassed him.

That didn't mean he had to take it out on his pig, who had done nothing to deserve his fate. "I'm sorry Saizou," he dully whispered into the air. "Because of me, you're dead."

Souji slumped down against the trunk of Saizou's favourite cherry tree (the only one he didn't butt and growl at), and felt like he would cry, but he had no tears left, he felt completely empty and shrivelled up. Instead, he stared at the river in front of him, and wondered for a moment if he might try to drown himself.

His pet was dead. The man he became a killer for, didn't actually care for him at all.

Souji shivered under the pouring of the rain. It had started a minute ago, and didn't show any sign of ceasing. The young man felt better. He was already soaked to the bone, and if he stayed like this all night, he would surely die.

"I'm coming Saizou," Souji said in a hollow voice as he closed his eyes.

-------

"This is ridiculous," Hijikata said in an outraged voice as he stomped down the Kyoto streets, glowering at everything and anything in his path, including cats, rocks, and abandoned sandals. "Where the hell is he!" Though he wouldn't admit it, every minute that passed was making his anxiety worse.

It was raining heavily, and Okita did not have an umbrella like him. If that man had not taken shelter somewhere, he was going to be pissed as all hell. As he walked towards the last place he hadn't searched, he found himself hoping the Captain would be there, even though he would be soaked wet if he was.

Hijikata squinted at the river coming up, and carefully scrutinised the banks for any sign of him. Then he looked at all the cherry trees along the bank. No such luck. "Damn you Souji!" he called out in frustration as his sandals sunk into mud. He started to kick at the ground, sending mud flying everywhere. "You cause me so much trouble!"

"I know."

Jumping in surprise, Hijikata turned around. There, in the middle of the river, was his First Unit Captain. His mouth fell open, and he stared at him in shock. Souji looked at him with vacant eyes.

"What are you doing here, Saizou's murderer?"

Hijikata's indignation was overpowered by his alarm. "You get out of there this instant!" he shouted. "You'll kill yourself!"

"I know. That's why I'm here. I'm going to join Saizou soon."

"No you're not! Don't be a fool!"

"You don't really care about me," said Souji quietly. "You just don't want to lose your invaluable demon."

Hijikata blinked. "What?"

"You heard me."

The Vice Commander felt slightly hurt, even though he knew Souji was being careless with his words because of his grief. "You know that's not true," he said calmly, inching his way towards him, being careful not to slip and fall in himself. He was relieved to see that the raining had stopped, this made it a lot easier.

"Then why did you murder my pig?"

Hijikata sighed as he extended his hand. "I didn't. The meat I was eating was fish. It was all pretence. I didn't know you would take it so seriously."

A light flickered back to life in Souji's eyes. "You didn't... murder him?" he asked slowly.

"No. I just wanted to get you back for the haiku thing, but.." Hijikata shrugged. "As usual I overdid it. I'm sorry."

The light shone brighter. Souji suddenly felt less suicidal and more like his normal happy self. "That's alright. It was a very good revenge actually. I really believed you."

Hijikata looked at him wryly. "I can see that."

"So Saizou's definitely alright?"

"He's fine, Souji."

"Can I see him right away?" Souji was worried about his beloved pig now, worried and relieved. Saizou had already stayed up far too late, wherever he was.

"You can take him back. He's all yours. Everything back to normal. Okay?"

Souji nodded, and a smile slowly spread over his face. "You didn't hurt him. Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah," said the older man, feeling embarrassed and bothered. Grown Shinsengumi warriors, having a moving conversation about a damned pig.

"Will you get out of there now?"

Souji took the hand offered to him and allowed himself to be hoisted out of the river. Hijikata quickly shoved his haori at him, then hurried towards Headquarters without a word or glance at the young man following behind him. "Hijikata-san!" Souji called, pulling on the coat and trying to keep up. "I still have questions!"

Hijikata pretended he couldn't hear.

Souji was indignant. He called louder. "Where was Saizou anyway? Did you make sure he was comfortable enough?"

The Fukuchou quickened his pace.

He decided now was not a good time to tell Souji that he had tied Saizou up with string, covered his mouth and eyes with straps, and locked him up in a cupboard. In fact, Hijikata wasn't all that certain that the thing was still alive.

Whatever the case, he knew he was going to be making frequent trips to the candy store this week.

Damn you Souji, Hijikata thought, as he glanced behind him in annoyance. You're the one who steals my haiku book and embarrasses me, and then no matter how hard I try to get you back, _I'm_ always the one who ends up apologising!

FINIS


End file.
